Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Big Bang Booty

To celebrate my first day of a smoking cessation program I enjoyed a full pack of cigarettes. I’ve begun taking a prescription medication to quit smoking, one that causes some people to develop suicidal tendencies and act violently, but the worst side effect I’ve experienced so far is gas. Not just any gas, but legendary, prolific gas. If I put a kazoo up my rear, I could blow the entirety of “O Fortuna” from Carmina Burana. During the first week of this program, I'm allowed to smoke my face off. If I have one left after the gas attack.

Pardon me. Excuse me. “Life begins as a gaseous cloud,” I tell myself. “These are not farts – these are my nebulas.”

The pill I am taking works like this: It finds the pleasure centers in my brain where nicotine parties, and then refuses admittance to any and all comers. Nicotine is deflected and thus, I lose what I like to call The Ahh Factor while smoking. Without the Ahh I don’t receive a punch of dopamine when smoking, but I am suddenly aware of heaviness in my lungs, the wreaking stench of cigarettes and my overburdened ashtray.

You wouldn't believe what I've done in the past to keep smoking. I've stood outside in blizzards and thunderstorms. I've picked up lit cigarettes I dropped on the pavement to spare my fix, places where dogs poop and bums stew. I have gone out of my way to make time, space and money for this habit because I enjoyed it very much. Turns out I don't really like smoking. I'm just in it for dopamine.

I bought a pair of sandals earlier this summer, and I never wear them because they make a farting sound when I walk. I put on those sandals yesterday and when I got my stride on, I sounded just like an idling tiller. This quit-smoking program is making me famous in ways I could only dream about.

Gotta run now – it’s time for my pill.

Later today: A story about the chickens in my neighborhood. In Chicago. The cops came…

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Speedy said...

Hahaha Mojo!! Glad you're back and really glad you're quitting smoking. Enjoy your fartiness and make the most of it!! Like waiting in line at the grocery store and farting the whole time. Cover with "I have this condition"! :)

Anonymous said...

yeah! our mojo is back!


Mojopo said...

Hello folks! Thanks for the well wishes Speedy! Me and my nebulas will muddle through somehow.

Your friend, Rusty said...

Welcome home. When you get that kazoo kindly post the YouTube link.

I would believe what you've done to keep smoking. I have a similar list. (My list might be worse since I was in the Army.) But, as of July 5th I'm 13 years clean after a 2 pack a day habit. You can do it since you're more stubborn than me, I think.

Mojopo said...

I'm totally off hot dogs and Fiber One for a few days. ANYWAY... I called Pfizer, to speak with my quit coach about the gas. He transferred my call to make me give a safety report. "Hello, ma'am, may I ask you a few questions about your gas?" Then I was transferred again to a Pfizer pharmacist whosaid that Pfizer has no clue why the pill causes gas. It just DOES. They put how many millions on developing this, but they can't explain farts? Well alright then. I'm not mad at all. Listen, it's all relative. A little gas now, no cancer later - I can do this.

Anonymous said...

Long live Mojo!


anony tu said...

Farts are a sub-specie of poo! Yay, Mojoooooo!

Mojopo said...

Poo is one of my special sub-genres.

PapaPig said...

I took that pill for about 2 months. I kept smoking. A little less but it just didn't work. I want to quit, but nothing seems to work. Guess I don't want to. Then again I am in a negative mood. Cheers! :@)

I hope it works for you girl.