Nation Freaking Out: US Turns To Spam, Turns Off Rachael Ray

Two news articles caught my eye this week. One story was about Spam, an inexpensive canned meat product, and how much their sales have gone up in recent months. The other story is about Rachael Ray, the cute television chef with nine-hundred teeth in her smile, and how her neck scarf got her fired from Dunkin’ Donuts commercials. Oh no - not Spam, not Rachael Ray!

The rising cost of oil and economic woes have prompted many people to make serious adjustments to their grocery list (adjustments as in people can only afford milk, dried lentils and Spam). Many neo-cons would take this opportunity to remind us how convenient shopping is these days, because we need to buy so very little. Obviously, that time we used to spend selecting filet mignon and live lobsters can now become family hour (when I say family hour, I mean packing boxes before the bank comes to throw everyone out onto the street).

Then there’s poor Rachael Ray, America’s cooking program sweetheart, selling donuts and coffee for the folks at Dunkin’. Wait a minute – is she wearing a scarf that looks vaguely Arabic? Oh my GOD. That’s right folks, Dunkin’ fired Rachael and pulled her commercial off the air because they thought her scarf looked Middle Eastern (and we all know that in some parts of America, Middle-Eastern is just another way of saying Al-Qaeda, right?). Right. Worse, her scarf could also represent those greedy, mustache twisting Saudis and their criminal gas prices. Well, it looks that way to Dunkin’ Donuts executives. So in order not to offend you (the donut buyer) with images of attractive scarves, they decided to err on the side of blatant racism instead.

Desperate times make people do strange things. They will do things like hoard duct tape, waiting to seal their windows and doors if they are ever threatened with a chemical attack. They will make the most poorly paid employee at their firm (always the receptionist) open the mail with rubber gloves, because they are afraid of packages full of weapon-grade anthrax that have never arrived. People will eat canned meat by the truckload, completely ignoring the inexpensive chicken thighs (or even cheaper, beans and rice) because they’re broke. And finally, their bosses have fired Rachael Ray because of “implied symbolism” that no one sees. It is all bullshit.

That said, I would like for you to know that I am boycotting Dunkin’ Donuts, and by hell I will put Spam in my mouth! Times are hard, but I can afford to be sane. They (you know, them) can have their canned meats and willful ignorance. For the past seven years I have seen people react to crisis by loading up on yellow ribbon magnets for their SUV’s and being afraid of things that may never happen, and I am over it (“over it” as in fuck ‘em).

If this isn’t about oil and poverty weird-ing people out, it can only mean one other thing: It’s an election year and the Republicans are down in the polls. Gee, ya think?

Green Day - American Idiot

Please Turn Off Your Recording Devices

Capturing life through the lens of a camera cell phone is pretty common these days. All evidence of human lives being lived can be dialed up on YouTube or Live Leak (or a million other video sources) on a whim. While I enjoy the convenience, I wonder: what are real memories worth anymore?

What started me thinking about this was a quote in issue 1047 of Rolling Stone. In it, Billie Joe Armstrong (of Green Day) asked his audience to please put away their camera phones during a performance. He said, “YouTube can’t own everything. There’s also something called memories.” He noticed people in the audience watching the band play on their cell phones, recording every morsel of activity, and forgetting to look up and live in the moment instead of the eventual download.

There is always room for cell phone cameras. Also, there is big money in being on the scene for natural disasters and stupid human tricks. In our diligence to be ready, I often feel like people forget to imprint the moment in their brain. They forget to attach emotions with what they have seen. In our haste to record, we live post-event, post-emotion. We suffer from post-life disorder.

While we have made every road to preserving our memories, we have traded our emotional memories by forgetting to simply look up and open our eyes wide. It is understandable – so many of us live our lives through lenses and computer screens. Sometimes, and because we are careful to pay attention to a recorded image, digital reality is more accessible than our own memories.

Our memories are corrupted by emotions and distractions. That is why we allow the recorded image reverence and awe, as it is a perfect record of exactly what happened as it occurred and it can be parsed frame by frame. We can then take what we have seen, pick it apart and quite accurately remove any individual opinion while sharing the video with others. In the process, I feel like some folks have become robotic. They can see something, tape it, and tell you about it later but what is lost is personality and the beautiful ways our memories are vastly unique.

Facts are always important. Don’t get me wrong. It’s the interpretation of facts based on personal experience that I miss on YouTube. Life should be spontaneous. Personal memories can’t be edited, but they can enhance reality. What a wonderful world it might be if we made an effort to edit our life less and talk about it more. If we looked away and put away the electronic devices, if we forget that life is not a deposition, maybe we might enjoy it instead of reviewing it. There are so many things you miss when you’re not in person, no matter how many cameras angles are involved. If you can help it, don’t miss the human experience in real time.

Imprint something on your brain today. Whatever you see, retain it. Remind yourself to keep it and remember that what you have just seen is from the most rare vantage point in the universe because it is your own. There is no one else who can see what you see.

Allen Ginsberg - Howl (Part 1)


This is where memories can take you. Do you want the rest? Find it.

Memorial Day Weekend In The U.S.

During the last weekend of May, citizens in the U.S. observe Memorial Day Weekend. We honor the men and women who have died while serving in our military, and we do so in a variety of respectful, honorable ways. Monday is Memorial Day proper, and in observance of this important day I am inviting our friends abroad to peek inside this commemorative event with me, your pal on the inside. Please, enjoy a slice of our apple pie. It's still warm!

One of the most important things we do as Americans on Memorial Day is to take the day off. In the U.S., most businesses close this Monday, with the exception of grocery stores, hospitals, wholesale mattress outlets and fast-food restaurants. All ATM’s will remain fully functional.



To honor our service members who have died, we have dedicated the weekend to backyard barbeques (while some others attend actual memorial services and lay wreaths on graves). Citizens grilling food this weekend are having what one might call an "outdoor wake”. At a wake, food is an important ingredient to lend comfort in times of grieving. All types of meat are represented on picnic tables on Memorial Day, as well as baked beans, potato salad, Jell-O pies, and beverages. Guests to the BBQ are invited to bring a dish to pass (cubed cheeses, chopped vegetables, a nice dip, napkins etc.). Casual dress is appropriate. Flag pins are optional, except when they are required.

Later in the day, we have parades featuring military veterans in uniform, who have made incredible sacrifices for the greater good. Following them will be children on wagons carrying boom-box radios, and local merchants (including Joe’s Bar & Grill, Sunbaked Tanning Salon and Little Debbie’s Dance Studio, among others and etc.).



America will be spending time with their loved ones this weekend. Many of them will not be discussing the two wars we have started, which are currently taking place in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The U.S. is a vast and complicated nation, one that is intensely loyal and yet often oblivious. We are obsessed with lapel pins and bumper stickers, as much as we are distracted by our own lives and the importance of our day off work. Memorial Day has been set aside because we needed a mandate to remind citizens that freedom is not for free.

Without irony, I extend my thanks to our fallen service members who have died. They were the ones who were willing to trade their lives for peace. In their memory, I offer my sincere hope that our nation will honor those men and women by demanding that our leaders only send our military to fight because it is the last option.

Bring our troops home, Mr. Bush. We would prefer their company in our backyards and parades, and not over there.

String Theory

Hello. My name is Mojopo and I am math-phobic. I see numbers and equations and break out in a cold sweat. My brain switches to Damaged Mode if I have to perform simple arithmetic in my head. I frequently and inadvertently jumble up numbers people say out loud (like phone numbers or dollar amounts) because as soon as someone says a number my brain is scared that it might have to do math. Math class is where I skated the edges of imminent doom and scholastic mayhem. In spite of this deficit of mine, I am positively intrigued by String Theory.

String Theory, as you may know, is a Theory Of Everything (T.O.E.). It kills me to know that one sort of theory can explain all known forces (gravitational, electromagnetic, weak nuclear and strong nuclear). String Theory seems to indicate that there are ten or eleven more dimensions we are not aware of. Can you imagine? It's not easy.

I love the quest. There is no "wow" big enough to express the awesomeness of a search dedicated to explaining the vibrations of daydreams and Kansas tornadoes, in an effort to find a common thread between the two. In String Theory, everything is somehow tethered to everything else. Most important to me, String Theory is impossible to write on a blackboard and therefore, romance and vision are not compromised by jarring fractions and rude physics. I love the dimension we're in. Here is where we still have room for magic.

Don't Start None, Won't Be None: A satircal treatise about the merits of pacifism

Please don't kill anyone today. The world out there is full of meat cleavers and people who hate college students, therefore I must ask you to tread carefully.

For anyone who is contemplating an act of violence, please defecate on something instead. Poop in a washing machine at a coin operated laundromat. That's rude - can you live with rude instead of homicide?

If you must kill someone, at least have the class do it slowly by feeding them bacon and heavy whipping cream daily. Encourage that person to take up smoking. Introduce them to crystal meth.

Check out THOSE results!

What will you do instead of murder? If you absolutely must cause harm to someone, here are some suggestions:

1. Throw a pie.

2. Enroll enemy combatants into a mail-order music club.

3. Have a sexual relationship with your enemy. Move in.

Surely you can bring some order to this chaotic world? Please, if at all possible, do not smack anyone. Thank you, and have a happy day!