Tuesday, December 30, 2008

RAPTUROOS



















Sinners, have you ever wondered what to wear for The Rapture? Think no more, Christians. RAPTUROOS are the perfect undergarment for those days when Armageddon seems imminent.

RAPTUROOS are made of a comfortable blended fabric, featuring the face of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on the crotch panel. RAPTUROOS are not flame-resistant, but what do you care? Rapture-Ready Christians won’t need to spend extra money to worry about hellfire OR damnation! Glory!

Christian women love RAPTUROOS, and their husbands and sons like them too!

Wear a fresh pair of RAPTUROOS everyday while you’re waiting to MEET YOUR MAKER!

If you’re a Jesus –loving, Bible-belting, promise ring-wearing, green bean casserole-making, church bulletin-typing, long-suffering, speaking-in-tongues BELIEVER…buy some RAPTUROOS TODAY! You never know when they might come in handy!!! It could be any minute!!!! HURRY!

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28 comments:

Mojopo said...

What happened to LV? I'll stand by and sing to myself...

“I don’t care
If it rains or freezes
As long as I got my RAPTUROO Jesus
Christian underwear.
Comes in colors
Pink and pleasant
Glows in the dark
‘cause they’re iridescent
Assuring me that I won’t go to hell…”

Anonymous said...

Do you want me to feel bad?
Hey Mojo! I'm just enjoying some days off, being lazy, watching my BSG dvds ;-)

I'll write to you today, later. For the moment, I'm wondering if Jesus mind if the rapturoos are fresh or not.

LV

anony tu said...

They are green beer vomit stain resistant?

Mojopo said...

Hi, LV - yes, I am guilting you into respoding to me.

Anony Tu - lovely to see you again. Yes, Jesus's undies are resistant to all of your personal afflictions, including green beer and the inevitable vomit. Christ recommends Clorox 2. So it is written, so it shall be done.

anony fu said...

Oh, no!!! I just read it! Bristol palin had her baby today! And to think I just stepped away from the tv for a minute's break from my bristol palin's baby watch and missed it!. This is Mojo's fault! I stepped away to see if I could order some Rapturoos online! Bad Mojo!

anonnytu said...

I just saw a falling star when I stepped outside into our crisp 65 degree south Louisiana night to pee pee on my lawn, which made me want to ask this philosophical question: When the Rupture comes, will little Tripp Palin(?) be included? (Born out of wedlock, ya know.)

Mojopo said...

Congratulations, Bristol and Levi! When is the wedding? They named him TRIPP, because they stumbled into a love shack by accident. Teen love is always more dramatic when it produces a baby.

Best? Sarah Palin now moves into the Grandma Phase. Which means she is near menopause, and feeling drier than a popcorn fart. AHAHAHHAHAHAHAA! You're old now, betch. So much.

Mojopo said...

Anony Tu - they let you pee on the lawn in Louisiana? No one calls the coppers? Fascinating. Tell me more! What else do you do on your lawn? Have you ever made a coat of a womans's cadaver and danced around, like Edward Gein? If you say yes, I'm going to run away screaming.

Anonymous said...

Alright! a chat room!

Mojo, it's legal to pee on your lawn here. The pee repels possums and raccoons which are a nuisance.

a.t. said...

You don't pee on your lawn? Where, then?

a.t. said...

Anyway, last scrotch goes me to bed. Would like to sleep nekkid but will wear Rupturoos instead cause in case something happens.

Mojopo said...

HA! I am up and awake later than you. No, I can't pee on my lawn. Because my lawn consists of about five inches from the curb of the garage to the sidewalk. I'm not made of money, and grass is hard to come by in Chicago. Sorry!

I will look into the chat room thingie/app. Suggestions anyone?

Minnie-sota said...

Golly, ask and you shall receive. I asked to see your Rapture undies, Mojo, and you didn't disappoint me.

Hey, what happens to the blessed Mary at the Rapture? Or is she only for Catholics?

PapaPig said...

We pee on the lawn in Florida. Saves a flush. I say pee on the green and be green. Better than green beer vomit, yuck.

No new undies for me thanks.

Anonymous said...

I think I'll pass on the Christian undies. I would purposely want to stain them anyway!!!

\\Speedy//

a.t. said...

Silly Mojopo pretends she does not know that when one wants to pee outdoors in Chicago one must go to the roof. Silly Mojopo pretends she does not know that peeing outdoors is healthy! For the spirit AND for... those regions. How often do they get fresh air? And what could use a little airing out more than... ...those areas?

Now Blagowhatsit is up to more mischief! Hey, I've seen photos of his home. He has grass on his lawn. Pee there!

a.t. said...

Oh, oh, oh! And don't think I'm going to be the one to ask about Rapturoos and erections! I was raised Catholic and I'm scared to ask that. But we might need to know, ya know?

J9 said...

OMFG - this is hysterical!

Mojopo said...

Thank you, J9. Thanks for visiting.

Anony. I have an idea that might require bail money. I'd like to throw pair of shoes at Blago AND his new senator. Now, now - listen here. I've had people trying to talk me out of it all day. I don't know what legal representation would cost, but I am willing to get locked up for a political statement. What to do?

a. t. said...

What to do?


Aim well.

anony tu said...

Still no clue as to what to do about Rapturoo erections. Will Jesus be offended if it accidentally happens? -- because it DOES happen by accident some times. Again, I'm scared of that, because I was raised a Catlick and, I don't know... ...it just seems that anything that has to do with Jesus and erections is bad news for Catholic boys. Need advice.

Mojopo said...

I know. Wear them backwards!

Also, a found out that the city will appoint an attorney to represent me if I get popped for shoe throwing. I need a camera person handy. I'm looking for someone to take pictures and the right time to make it happen.

anony tu said...

Your serious about this, aren't you?

a t said...

you are

Anonymous said...

And here I sit, a few days too late, but still pondering the questions of erection, babies born out of wedlock, public urination and the rapture. If one urinates in public wearing rapturoos, is it still wrong? And if one wears rapturoos and gets an erection, would a baby conceived from this moment have need for a baptism?

anony tu said...

Those are deep and ponderous questions and make my head ache. However, I can tell you that outdoor peeing is not necessarily public peeing and is never wrong. Discreet outdoor peeing pleases the gods very much.

Mojo, I have an answer now. Don't throw the shoes. It isn't your place to throw shoes. You're a warrior with a pen! Like Bill Oh really? Only smart and witty.

No shoe will make it through that hair anyway.

Anonymous said...

Mojo said "... and feeling drier than a popcorn fart."

That reminded me of a funny vocabularly lesson while living in Iran (of which Palin's Christian compassion hopes to turn into nuclear ash)

Back to popcorn: the Farsi language, popcorn is called Choos-aw-feel (phonetic spelling)which translated to English: Elephant Farts

(Another "funny" lesson in Farsi vocabulary was the Farsi word: "barf" .....translated to English: snow ie: the sky is barfing.

Back to Palin: wonder if she thinks it's God's Will that kept her out of the White House as much as she insisted it was God's will that would put her IN the White House.

Woody (Tokin Librul/Rogue Scholar/ Helluvafella!) said...

Spontaneous orgasm (or dry-humping) in Rapturoos?

Kingdom Cum?