Monday, June 01, 2009

Nigerian Widow Has A Unique Business Proposal

Subject: Business Opportunity

My name is Mojopo, widow of the late head of state, Mr. Mojopo. After he mysteriously died as a result of cardiac arrest during our afternoon expression of martial love (which we had enjoyed many times before without tragic surprise), our lawyer, Joel Lowenstein, informed me that my husband (who at the time was president of Nigeria), called him last week and showed him five metal boxes containing foreign currency. Mr. Lowenstein is under the distinct impression that those boxes are for FedEx, to be sent to my late husband’s business partner for investment purposes. Probably something to benefit blind and crippled orphans.

Since my husband’s death, the Nigerian government has frozen our bank accounts and stole our cars! I can’t buy anything or go anywhere. I have to borrow cans of tuna fish from my neighbors just to have something in my stomach when I go hitchhiking to the dialysis clinic. Sometimes the Nigerians come by late at night to molest my animals, too, but they always listen to all of my phone calls. I know because I can hear one of the wiretappers watching Susan Boyle on YouTube and crying. What do they want? They want my late husband’s metal boxes full of money. We are worth at least $120,000,000,000,000, and now you understand why they are sodomizing my Portuguese Water Dog, Mojobo, to find the location of the foreign currency.

I am asking you in a very sincere manner for your help, as a responsible woman worth more money than God has to spend. I trust you because I Googled your name and read all of your comments on the tech support forum for plus-sized women’s apparel. You seem like a good person who will not sit on a profitable business opportunity!

Psst – come closer. I am going to whisper:
I have managed to get the five metal boxes out of Nigeria by stowing them in Mr. Lowenstein’s generous rear end. I pray, on my knees, that a good person such as yourself will help me transfer this money out of Mr. Lowenstein and into your country. Each of these boxes is full of cold hard cash worth a bazillion dollars each. If you can get this money transferred, I’ll share of a percentage of the wealth with you. On the real.
Please contact me confidentially through this website to assist my family.

Thanks, and warmest regards.

Yours Truly,

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anony tuu said...

Psst, Ms Po, I will fist Mr Lowenstein and retrieve the boxes for you. In the meantime, I will send my Visa Card to you so that you will no longer have to beg for tins of tuna. Buy your neighbors something nice as well. You can repay me when you get to the States. I am sympathetic because I have had a similar experience to yours. It happened when I was crossing the state of Texas. It was outside of Dallas, a little town named Forney, where I was pulled over and accosted by police for the crime of having a Louisiana license plate on my vehicle. I was jailed for several days, made to pay a hefty fine, plus bail, plus a court fee, plus an impoundment fee. The cell where I was held was filled with booty bandits. My greatest regret was that I had snacked on popcorn all the way from Shrieveport to Dallas and, man, was I dry!

Mojopo said...

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Don't look back.

That happened to a guy my sister heard about from her boyfriend's niece, who heard it from Bertha's home health care aide who was stuck behind Rod Stewart's broken tour bus.

Carnage! I hope you found your happy place again, after this unfortunate tour of TX. Bless.

Minnie-sota said...

Mojo, on the real, this made me laugh out loud!

Speedy said...

I get these wonderful emails sprinkled in between "Make your *enis bigger" emails all the time too! It definately made me laugh. I'm glad I'm not the only one... =)

Anonymous said...

Good thing I don't have an enis!!! have my support!!! :-)

anonytu said...

After long deliberation, I have decided that THIS Mojopost brings out the best in people. In a time when we are all racked with fear -- my god, aren't there so many things trying to shit in our chili bowls? -- it's rare that we have an opportunity to let our compassion for others get its groove on, but here it is thanks to Ms Po. By golly, I'm givin' THIS Mojopost a ten!

Anonymous said...

Somehow, this blog feels much more personal than the spam emails =)


Anonymous said...

I've just received an emal from the United Nations saying that my email got a prize (£650,500.00) and i should send immediatly all my personal details to claim my prize. I'm going to write them back =)


anony tuu said...

Ms Mojo! Ms Mojo! LOOK!!!

Mojopo said...

Anony - I get an error message. "Not available". What did I miss?

a.tu said...

Mojosan,try this link. It's about the sentencing of one of Chicago's finest for defending himself against this fire-breathing femme fatale -- a travesty of justice!

I'm going up to read the new Mojopost. Like opening a new present. Yum!