Friday, July 03, 2009

A Happy Day In Americaland

Mojopost is taking a long weekend to partake of US Independence Day festivities. In my country, July 4th begins on the 3rd and ends on the 6th, so that all residents in the US will have an opportunity to celebrate our freedom from those limey Brits with poor dental hygiene. Whew - bullet dodged!

This Independence Day has value-added significance in that US citizens will, for the first time ever, lustfully worship before a golden statue of our favorite unicorn, Pres. Barack Obama. There will be Kool-Aid, hopium and Hawaiian birth certificate dispensers on every corner! Rev. Wright, say AMEN before I pop!

I will be celebrating Independence Day weekend at Taste of Chicago, checking out the 85th Army Band, and enjoying poop-your-pants-loud fireworks over Lake Michigan. After a little sleep, I’m going to the Indiana Dunes because it is one of the better places to be if one does not have an ocean handy while in the Midwest. If I see any Michael Jackson mourners in Gary, I’ll tell them you said “hi”.

Let’s get this BBQ jacked up, kids. Hit me back with some of your favorite summertime songs.

George Washington

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Anonymous said...

My dog, Toby, does not enjoy this holiday in the least, mostly due to the fireworks. In central Illinois the smaller communities have staggered fireworks over several days so for almost a week you can have a different display every night. As for me, I find myself feeling more patriotic after a viewing of "Yankee Doodle Dandy." Watching Cagney dance down the steps of the White House chokes me up, but for the life of me I don't know why.

Rach said...

A good roll down the dunes is a holiday all by itself, I think. I'm sure you heard the story of the guy who got his head stuck in the sand and, um, well... Be safe and have fun, Mojo.

Speedy said...

Have a fabulous weekend Mojo!! Don't fall down the dunes because you drink too much!! Hey maybe a Roman Candle would discourage Moby Dick....

Your friend, Rusty said...

Happy 3rd - 6th to you too, Mojo. Have a Chicago dog for me, please.

PapaPig said...

Happy July to everyone, too many days in a row.

I think it's too hot to have a Holy Day.

Mojopo said...

Kinda chilly here, Pops. Hard to believe it's July!

Rusty, the line for the Billy Goat was 250 deep. I don't know what was with people this year, but the crowd was surly as hell. Story for another day.

PapaPig said...

yeah, parts of the country are not getting summer and parts of us are baking.

This year we are just putting the meat out in the sun to cook it.


See what you did making Costco dogs popular? Now even you are forced to stand in line to get one.

Anonymous said...

Back in the day, I would drink a 5th on the 4th, and wouldn't be up and around til the 6th.
Have a happy 4th ya-all

Old Hippy

anony tu said...

At 2 am on July 4, some asshole shot a pistol into the air and the slug came down through a skylight in my home. He wasn't aiming for it. He or she just shot the goddamn pistol in the air. He or she probably didn't care where the slug would fall. It sounded like my roof came down. I thought maybe a meteorite. I climbed onto my roof with a flashlight and didn't find anything.

There were two holes in the skylight. It's the kind that is like a double bubble with a dead air space between panes. The lower pane had not been pierced. That's why I didn't know a bullet had come through it. If it had pierced the second pane, the slug would have gone into the floor and I'd have known. A daylight, I went back on the roof to cover the light with a tarp and that's when I found the slug. It had gone through the first pane, bounced off the second and gone back through the first, which is why there were two holes. And the slug was just laying there on the roof next to the light. It looked like a 9 mm.

My wife called the police in between flurries of rants about how we're moving -- today! We're not, she said, even going to wait until the house is sold, we're just moving, she said. I thought about The World According to Garp and assured her that, now that one has, never in a million years will another bullet strike our house. The law of averages protects us I said. We should celebrate!

Anyway, back in 2003 during the build up to the Iraq invasion, I was protesting. Locally as well as nationally, the few people who were actively protesting were told they are un-American. And REAL Americans were told that un-Americans like myself HATE America.

One thing about southern towns, even large ones, is they are all fish bowls. Unlike Mojo's land of the Chicagos or New York or even L.A., one has no anonymity in a southern town. If you decide to hate America, then, you will have to do it naked in the shower with everybody watching. You can't hide. In 2003, then, I might have expected a bullet to come through my home -- or me -- but not now.

anony tu said...

So, anyway.

Another thing about being a bred and born southerner is guns. Not many southerners have not had at least a little exposure to them. Me too. I even owned a pistol at one time. A 9 mm, which is how I know the slug that broke my skylight is an 9 mm. I stopped owning it shortly after I accidently discharged it in my home and nearly shot my poodle. That was a long time ago, before I met and purchased my trophy wife, and I dare not tell her I have a history of stray bullets.

Anyway, firearms were common to me when I was younger. I even have some gun nuts in my own family. I'm even uncomfortably related to one of those NRA maniacs. He has a pistol that he wears on his hip at all times, even in bed I presume, and I think it supplants having a pet for him. Or a girlfriend. I say I'm "uncomfortably" related to him, which means I have to be in his company way too often. I've decided not to say anything to him about the bullet through my light. It's best for un-Americans to keep quiet and work covertly to take away the guns from the real Americans and that's exactly what I intend to do. If I mentioned the bullet in my home to this guy, he'd get suspicious. Oh, but his pistol's days are numbered.

anony tu said...

Anyway. While I AM un-American, I don't really hate America, the land. Heck, for the most part, it's a beautiful place. And big!

No, it's not America I hate. It's AmeriCANS. I hate Americans because I hate Stupid. And I hate Lazy. And I hate Mean. And don't give me any of that jive about freedom-loving or any of that crap. Real Americans HATE freedom, and they go out of their ways to prove it. No, the only people in America whom I know who are freedom-loving, not intellectual lazy, and not mean of spirit are my fellow un-Americans.

I like the idea of a land of freedom, America. It's like Ghandi is purported to have once said to an Anglican clergyman: "This Christ seems like a fine fellow. I like him. It's your ChrisTIANS that I don't like."

Or something like that. That's sort of how I feel about America.

Anyway, my uncomfortable relation is absolutely right when he says people like me want to take his gun away. You betcha! Actually, I don't want to disarm him. I want to take his gun away, yes, but I will allow that he is absolutely correct when he says the second amendment guarantees his right to own and bear firearms, and I don't intend to take that away from him.

But there are two things I want to interject. The first is, at the time the Constitution was amended for a second time, America had no standing army. It was not a bad idea to allow common folk to bear arms, then, because you never knew when you might need to put an army together lickity split. The other thing is, the Founding Fathers could not in their wildest imaginings ever imagined the types of firearms that are available today. They couldn't, for instance, have imagined a weapon like an automatic rifle. They could have imagined space travel more accurately than they could have imagined a 50 caliber machine gun. And rocket launchers? Get out! So, when we un-Americans do take away my unfortunate relations gun, I think it's only fair that we replace it with a flintlock pistol. In fact, it'll be okay with me to let the Real Americans have as many flintlocks and black powder muskets each as it takes to achieve orgasm. My relation can even wear his flintlock in public if he likes.

anony tu said...

Anyway. On this 5th of July, I hope all of you un-Americans did not get shot, and I hope you had fun. Join me in hating America.

Somebody wake Mojo up.

Mojopo said...

Imma stew on this at the beach all day. I hate guns.

More tonight...

Mojopo said...

Anony! Are you OK? Because if any bastards are shelling your house today, there should be hell to pay. What about your right to liberty? How liberated are you if you can't look out of your skylight without wondering which a-hole is going to blow your roof off? Your wife must be pissed - I would be, too!

I saw a stupid bastard at the beach with an arsenal of weapons. No lie! I totally thought of you. What is wrong with people? They seem stupider than they used to be!