Wednesday, May 14, 2008

How To Make A Republican Spontaneously Combust

Yesterday I had the opportunity (delightful) to make a Republican pop a vein in his forehead. In all fairness, he started it and I felt obliged to finish. It felt good; it was the right thing to do. Some of you reading this post might be Democrats who could use an edge when speaking with disgruntled Republicans this election year. I want to help you. I'm going to give you some tips on how to stimulate myocardial infarctions as needed.

It doesn't matter which of the Democrats you're voting for, but if you really want to enrage a Republican it is good to endorse Sen. Hillary Clinton. Republicans hate her the most, and so you would stand a better chance of making people stroke-out by mentioning her name. The downside is that people might also want to punch you in the face. That's OK, too. You can sue people for physical injuries and get paid.

Providing factual information is a sure fire way to invite an endless, nonsensical argument from our Republican friends. Save the facts for the people who want them. Right wing fanatics do not want facts and will defend their right to be willfully ignorant, getting you to nowhere and fast. Save your energy for something that truly matters like a romantic relationship, vacuuming the floor or participating in a helpful walk-a-thon.

Remember, it's about making the other person stutter or stunning them into a life threatening rage. If anyone asks you why you're voting for a Democrat, try these explanations:

I am voting for a Democrat because...

... I'm in it for revenge.
... lapel pins are for sissies.
... Oprah will do amazing work on the Supreme Court.
... women are smarter and better leaders. Even Jesus had to listen to his Mama.
... I'm tired of all the closeted gays, sexual deviants, drug addicts, criminals, and Christian hypocrites in the Republican party doing embarrassing things.

Don't you love all of those links?

If anyone tries to assure you that Republicans can win this year, the best answer is, "Yes, and then Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny will throw an Inauguration Day kegger with The Tooth Fairy." The only way Republicans can win, bar unforeseen disaster, is if The Great Pumpkin delivers a hundred zillion barrels of crude oil on Halloween and sets up a November surprise. More or less, the presidential election is all but in the bag for Democrats.

As you can see, it's not hard to debate with Republicans. Simply remind yourself that we are talking about right wing fanatics - people who voted for Bush. These are not people accustomed to critical thinking, who spend a portion of the day sober. I know you can prevail. Have at it, America!

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