Blagojevich To Prison Bitch

Sewer-mouthed grifter and Illinois Gov. Milorad “Rod” R. Blagojevich has been ratted out to the Feds. Seventy-six pages of criminal activity later, and now we have to go out in the Chicago snow to fetch an impeachment before the store closes and our kids never forgive us. Thanks, Milo. I mean “Rod”.

B-vich has been shaking-down his political buddies for years. He’s the kind of guy who invites you to lunch, shows up late and eats your sandwich. “It was your sandwich, now it’s MY sandwich," he says between slobbery mouthfuls. He’s the co-worker who pats your wife’s behind at the office party, or the boss who makes you buy boxes of candy bars that his ugly and ill-mannered children are selling this week. Then he puts you on the spot, asking if you have a job for his crazy lunatic wife.

Yes, well – he’s moved on to bigger things. Now he’s pedaling Obama’s old senate seat in exchange for cash money and/or your eternal soul. And so the FBI arrested him first thing Tuesday morning.

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Blagojevich’s predecessor, former Gov. George Ryan, is currently in prison serving a lengthy sentence for being a very corrupt Colitis bag. B-vich may be able to share a cell with Inmate Ryan some time in the future. Small world, huh?

It is up to B-vich to appoint Obama’s successor in the IL senate. Right now, with the smell of hot garbage from Chicago, B-vich could appoint Jesus Christ himself and people would be ready to light torches and sharpen their pitchforks. Our state is thinking that we might need a special election, because maybe the people ought to have a choice in this matter. A civilized way of saying, “Please don’t burn my house down.” Somebody has to take the high road. Right?

Not B-vich. He was keeping funds away from Chicago’s Children’s Memorial Hospital, unless they smoothed his palm with a fat campaign contribution. I know a child who was treated there when she was five months old. She was diagnosed with cancer. Currently she is in remission and almost ten years old. Children’s Memorial means something to people I care about, and the governor was going to keep money away from kids like the one I know. Little kids with cancer. Merry fucking Christmas, sir.

Plenty of résumés are being revised as I type, just in case a few hopeful IL politicians need to run a quick campaign. The freaky part is that IL is a Republican-leaning state (go ahead, Rod, nudge them). Sure, Chicago is full-up on Prius-driving, liberal-elitist domestic terrorists, gays and biracial people. It’s the rest of the state that wants to choke our necks. I hate to be the one to say this, but Chicago might be the place where the GOP attempts to reinvent itself again. Many psychological gold stars are there for the taking, for the man or woman who stakes a claim on our President-elect’s former job.

Thanks, nimrod.