Home Remedies Wanted

Please pardon the absence of political satire today. Instead I am requesting your insight about home remedies. Specifically, what kinds of non-prescription remedies have worked for your aches and pains?

Me? I’m on Oil Of Clove today. Also, a salt-water mouthwash. Let me explain: I had a killer wipeout in my laundry room a few months ago that busted my nose and some other stuff in the same region. As a result of that incident, it’s no surprise that I have an abscess in my upper gums today. I’ve discovered that once a person busts their nose or mouth, said person is pretty much screwed for life. On Sunday, I was wondering what could help this heinous gum pain until I can call a doctor on Monday. Like many, I Googled for information. Turns out that Oil Of Clove is a dental fixer-upper. I remembered my doc used it on me when I was sixteen, after I had my wisdom teeth removed. After reading the Goog, and being reminded of my tooth extraction, it all came back to me and so I fetched Oil Of Clove from Whole Foods.

Right now, I have a wad of clove oil-soaked cotton shoved between my gum and lip. I look very much like a redneck with a lump of chaw. The pain I am experiencing from this remedy is past medieval, bigger than Biblical and seems more infinite than a James Joyce novel. I forgot how much it hurt. No, I can’t even begin to imagine how I could forget something like this but it’s true.

Pre-clove oil, I had an aching throb that felt like a slow hammer warmed by Satan’s coals in my gums. Currently, I feel the hot hammer and a new sharp pain – it’s Abu Ghraib in my mouth, with Enola Gay delivering Agent Orange in lava coated packages. It has been my experience that terrible pain precedes healing, and so I’m hoping there is light at the end of the clove oil tunnel. I’m following the old adage about medicine, the one that says, “If it tastes terrible and hurts, it’s working.” If the adage is lying, I’m going to punch it in the crotch until there is no crotch left. In fact, I will remove the crotch of every family member who belongs to that old saying.

Until I can get some medical attention, please post your home remedy suggestions here. I’ll try anything, and would welcome your distractions. I don’t even care of I have to find eye of newt or a placenta with wings – if it works, I’m all over it. At this point, I might even pay you real money to aim a nail-gun at my face and fire, just to take my mind off things.

Suggestions welcomed. Thank you.