Last week’s poll results are in. I asked you if you got along with your neighbors. Most of you love your neighbors so much that you would provide them with an alibi. “Oh, my neighbors are SO COOL. Dude, you have no idea!” In second place was, “Those people are the most annoying people in the world. They can’t even blow their soup without getting it in their eyes!” Well fuck them anyhow. While we’re at it, fuck your cool neighbors, too. Why don’t you all just trade wives now and get it over with? I came here to see a smackdown and all I got was kumbaya at the block party. What a rip-off!
People, I don’t think you quite understand what is going on. This is the last credible day of cynicism you can enjoy for a long, long time because it is George Dubya’s last day in office. After Monday people are going to expect a little bit of dignity from your direction now and then. Adult behavior even.
For eight years we have enjoyed feeling morally and intellectually superior to this guy. After today you can kiss that shit good-bye! The first MBA president, huh? What a stroke of anti-genius that was. I'll never get his stain out of my better angels.
It's a good thing you elected Barack Obama and his unicorn. He is smarter than us all and his kids are much better looking than yours (and more well behaved). What does this mean? We are all being taken down a peg come Tuesday, that’s what. Suck it!
It’s Inauguration Week in the US and we need to butter up our handsome Obama because he is not like Dubya at all. Obama seems to like responsibility and is immune to our bloggy condescension. Call me crazy, but I like that in a president. Without a hint of cynicism in my tone, here is a new poll - 10 Things I Like About Barack Obama As President. Check your opinions on the right. Multiple choice - select as many answers as you need to feel clean.
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18 comments:
THIS Mojopost gets a 10 because it's Freudian! Now I understand my fixation with that beautiful unicorn! Thank you!
Finally we have a president whom I might really enjoy having in my ass, but after eight years of savage, continuous butt rape, sorry, but I'm too pooped to pop! Maybe later.
THIS Mojopost coaxes us to confront the nefarious pleasure we have derived from the anger that mounted with each and every stroke of what we will surely come to refer to as "the butt rape years." And why not pleasure?! Listen, I don't know about any of you but, me? Out of all those long and furious forced boogerings, I did not cop a single nut! Oh, I served, but I was never serviced! What else is there to attached pleasure to but outrage?!
I have to say that I'm a bit more hopeful than Ms Po. I'm not altogether sure the fun is over. If Jane Hammerslammer at Fire Dog Lake is right, there'll soon be scads of formerly chickenshit whistleblowers coming out of the woodwork as soon as they are sure that Bush has left the building. Does THAT sound like the fun is over? Scotty McClellan knows more fun is coming.
Even Nancy Peblosi has finally begun to feel the tear in her sphincter. (And her ass could accommodate a fleet of buses considering how long the entire Republican party has been using it as a safe-house.) Lookit:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090118/ap_on_go_co/pelosi_probes
I for one would keep it simple. I don't know about you, but I'm ready for my nut! Rather than years of tiring, costly investigations, why don't we just do this: Let's put them all in a cabin and nail their dicks to a table, give them a razor blade and set the cabin on fire. Those who escape the cabin are "innocent" and will certainly never rape ass again. Those who don't escape, justice is done. (We'll have to come up with something else for Rice.)
THIS Mojopost gets a 10!
I had a dream about Obama. It was disturbing. In my dream, he was the antichrist and we didn't know it because he's so darned likeable. Don't trust those smiling people, I always say.
Ok, I don't always say that, and my dream means nothing. I just wanted to give my "I have a dream" speech on MLK day.
Anony - Fire Dawg is good food and Jane Hampsterburger seems to know a thing or two. Good point! I don't think Wednesday is going to be whistle-blower day, though. I suspect it might be more of a smattering here and there, as book deals are hammered out first. They all got in touch with Scotty about how it works. Plus, we kind of have to wait to see what kinds of pardons happen between now and noon tomorrow.
Yvette, interesting dream. End times dreams are always so refreshing. Jung said that dreams about the antichrist are symbolic of the other side of self. Our own shadow, if you please. Which means that your subconscious mind sees itself as a very important African-American man and/or one who can bring Armageddon. Which is a whole other bag full of disturbing imagery. Good on you!
Good point, Ms Po, I bet you're right. The book deals will need to be secured by all means before we can expect whistle-blowing funtimes. Maybe Scotty will attempt to scoop these johnny-come-latelies. He's been on top of this for over a year now, right? On the other hand, Scotty may have pooped all the poop he's got.
Oh, shiT! Now I get what you're saying! We're just gonna have to wait! That makes my feelings hurt. Will you be offering counseling, Ms Po? This is gonna be hard for me. I'm impetuous. Not a wait type of guy.
Anony, I totally see your point. I think I hear you saying, "Why wait? Let's just make up shit and attach names to it now?" I couldn't agree with you MOAR.
Dana Perino never flushes the toilet, for starters.
Oh yeah, and there's that untold story about Scotty being a reformed gay, but he never talks about that. I loved how he was SO selective about the whistles he blew.
Mojo, I can see that you work for the same people I do. They told me the same thing they told you! "Today is MLK Day. Take the day off, we'll pay you to." Those people think I'm brown! They are soooo easy to trick, you agree?
Yes. Making things up is a good idea, Mojo. Let's be about it: I guess you heard about Cheney's bastard son. The one he keeps prisoner in his basement.
She doesn't flush the fuckin toilet?!!! God! that makes me angry!!!!!
OK, I'll try harder:
The White House is powered by tiny little immigrant children. Some are fed into machines and others are made to generate electricity by pedaling stationary bikes until they collapse and die. Obama is going to abolish this forever!
My turn?
Is nothing sacred to a republican? I guess you've heard Mitch McConnell was busted today for plotting to steal Obama's unicorn! The bastard wanted to kill it and have it stuffed and mounted on his mantle. Disgusting piece of shit McConnell!
What's up with John Edwards these days?
ok... i am going to admit something that i would never admit otherwise... but i am one of the majority with cool neighbors. HOWEVER, sometimes i feel ornery and i give the orange tree outside my door a good shake and giggle as the oranges rain down onto their patio and splatter. LOL
...oh, and sometimes my puppy can't wait to get downstairs and well, more rain :) haha. maybe i'm a terrible neighbor!
Juan Edwards? Isn't he a game show host or sumpin?
Mojo, what in the hell are we doing up before 3 a.m.?
I can't sleep. Tomorrow is hooge! What's your excuse?
Jenn, I'd pay cash to see you shake your neighbor's tree. Ur doin it rite.
What's my excuse? I'm all excited waiting to see what you'll be puttin on this board for Obama Day! I bet it's gonna be somethin reeeeeeally special! Oh, Mojo, have we really made it out of the swamp? Are we really about to turn the tide of American history with the swearing in of the first partly caucasian president and a unicorn? Or are we dreaming? If we're dreaming, may I say how sweet it is to be sharing this dream with YOU, lil sister? Tis.
Now let me go! The people where legend has it I work are expecting me in a few short hours and I wanna be fresh. I doubt I'll sleep a wink.
Anony - I can't even write. I tried to think of special things and then I FROZE. I keep doing this psychotic laughing and crying thing whenever I hear (or read) about the inauguration. I try to duck away when it happens because I'm not used to our side winning. I can't believe it! We did it! We made it! How do I add more words to this brilliant moment?
I don't know.
When I heard that Obama has a 100 hours plan PLUS a 100 days plan, I literally fell over. The world is going to be different by Friday, in so many ways. Let's soak it in.
Tis indeed.
Let me put it this way - if I had to pick colors of paint to use to describe this moment, I would get lost.
This has never happened to me before.
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